Cozmopolitan Sunkyoung

In July, several  things, most of which are unexpected, have happened to me.
In August, I expect nothing to happen. Although I know I, anyway, have to face it if anything happens…

7월에는 여러 (대부분은 예상치 못했던) 일들이 나에게 일어났다.
8월에는 아무 일도 일어나지 않기를 기대해본다. 비록 무슨 일이 생기면 부딪쳐야 하는 수 밖에 없음을 알지만…

A Song For You

어제 만난 슈팅스타 – 언니네 이발관
Shooting Star I Met Yesterday by Sister’s Barbershop

언제부턴가 때로 터널을 들어가지
그 곳이 더욱 환하기에
내 머리 위로 흐르는 수많은 기억들이
그 곳을 더욱 환하게 해
From some time ago I entre a tunnel from time to time
Because it is brighter there
So many memories in my mind
Make it brighter

나를 봐 이렇게
어제로 달려가고만 싶어
나를 봐 이렇게
나에겐 알 수 없는 것이 너무 많아
Look at me, and as you see
I just want to run to yesterday
Look at me, and as you see
I have too many things unknown to me

언제나처럼 나는 터널을 들어가지
오늘을 살지 못하기에
그 같은 꿈은 이제는 지나온 시간 속에
모두 던져 버리고서
As always, I entre a tunnel
Because I cannot live today
I throw away such a dream
To the past

나를 봐 이렇게
어제로 돌아가고만 싶어
나를 봐 이렇게
나에겐 알 수 없는 것이 너무 많아
Look at me, and as you see
I just want to return to yesterday
Look at me, and as you see
I have too many things unknown to me

그리운 마음이 있어 너를 볼 때면
허전한 마음이 있어 그 곳에 서면
I feel longing when I look at you
I feel empty when I stand there

미래를 보네 볼 수가 없는
보고 싶지만 할 수가 없는 것을
I look into the future that I can’t
Which I want to but I can’t

그리운 마음이 있어 너를 볼 때면
미래를 보네 볼 수가 없는
보고 싶지만 할 수가 없는 걸
I feel longing when I look at you
I look into the future that I can’t
Which I want to but I can’t

This is exactly what my mind is like right now

…

What can I do

But untangle them one by one

지금 내 상태가  딱 이렇다

…

어쩌겠는가

하나 하나 풀어나가는 수밖에

… is not the day itself that you were born but those around you, both up close and from afar, who celebrate the day and send you warm wishes.

I am happy because of you.

Over a week ago when our department had away day session 1 at our boss’s place, we had several team-building exercises. The first one was to look at the person sitting on one’s right and pick up anything that they think best describes the person and present it. Ira, my flatmate as well as officemate, sitting on my left side, picked up this cute espresso cup above in the picture and her explanation made my day.
1주일 조금 넘어서 우리 부서에서 away day (이런 경우를 한국 기업에서는 뭐라고 하는지?) 첫 번째 세션을 우리 상사 집에서 진행했을 때, 몇 가지 team-building exercises (이건 또 뭐라고 부르는지? 한국에서는 이런 것을 전혀 하지 않는 회사를 다녀서 적합한 단어를 모르겠다.)를 했다. 그 중 제일 처음 한 것은 자기 오른 쪽에 앉아 있는 사람을 가장 잘 묘사하는 물건을 집안에서 찾아 발표하는 것이었다. 나랑 같은 사무실을 쓸 뿐만 아니라 같은 집에 사는 Ira가 내 왼쪽에 앉아있었는데 위의 사진에서 보는 귀여운 에스프레소 잔을 골랐다. 그리고 그녀의 설명은 나의 그 날 하루를 반짝반짝 빛나게 하였다.

She said, “I picked up this espresso cup for Sunkyoung. As you know, she is from a small island in Korea. But, spreading her wings, she has lived in many interesting places in the world and is now living in Singapore. And the colour red of her wings is her passion.”
그녀가 말하길, “선경을 묘사하기 위해 나는 이 에스프레소 잔을 골랐어. 다들 알듯이 선경은 한국의 작은 섬에서 왔지만 두 날개를 활짝 펼쳐 세계의 여러 흥미로운 곳에 살아왔고 지금은 싱가폴에 살고 있잖아. 그리고 날개의 빨간색은 그녀의 열정을 나타내.”

Later that afternoon, we had another exercise talking to each and everyone of team mates about what one thinks is the best about the person and what they would like to see more of this person. The most common words I heard from my colleagues were “enthusiasm, heart, passion.” I like all of these words but several times I had thought I shouldn’t push too much of these elements into work. However, from this team-building exercise, I came to redefine the meanigns of these words and felt so great my colleagues describe me like that. I like myself more and more.
그 날 오후에는 또 다른 활동으로 팀원 모두 각자에게 그 사람의 어떤 면이 가장 좋은지 어떤 부분을 더 보고 싶은지를 얘기하였다. 내가 가장 공통적으로 들은 단어는 “열정”과 “헌신”이었다. 이 모든 단어를 좋아하지만 몇 번은 이 요소들을 일에 적용해서는 안 되겠다고 생각한 적이 있었다. 하지만 이 team-building exercise를 통해 이 단어들의 의미를 새롭게 정의하게 되었고, 내 동료들이 나를 이렇게 묘사해준다는 사실이 너무 좋았다. 내가 점점 더 좋아진다.

It must be a chain of bad luck. Otherwise, how can I describe and accept this series of less pleasant incidents?

It first started in Bali where a friend of mine got all the possible damages from sunbathing and eventually we spent most of the time in the hotel.

Secondly, as I tweeted about a month ago, my last trip to Phuket, originally planned for duo, ended up to be a solo trip as my friend only found out at the immigration desk at Phuket Airport that she needed a visa before travelling to Thailand.

These two incidents led to form a pattern: bad luck with trips to resort places with Middle/Eastern European friends.

After Phuket, I began to worry about another (possible) bad luck with a trip to Kota Kinabalu, where I am at the moment of writing and which I had booked two months ago to be accompanied by a friend. However, since my company did not fall in the aforementioned category, I hoped it would not be the case. Never knowing what was going to happen in a week time. Never expecting this time to be the worst case…

Nearly three weeks prior to the planned date for this trip, that was the last time I saw him. Nearly four days prior to the departure date, he eventually informed me that he was not going on this trip. And he was my boyfriend.

There are many things to deal with during the post break-up but I had to make a quick decision on the trip. And, in the end, instead of cancelling the whole plan, I chose to go on a trip myself. It was not only because of money I already paid all but more because of my desire to get refreshed as initially intended. It’s just that another reason for refreshment was added, besides having a break and getting to breathe in the midst of non-stop workload for almost five months until July.

Being alone, again and unexpectedly, I am having many mixed feelings. However, what I know for sure is that I do not regret coming to Kota Kinabalu. And, despite this chain of bad luck, that travelling must go on.

My shadow waiting for a flight to Kota Kinabalu at 17h20, Friday 30 April, in Changi Airport Terminal 1 Gate D32

About a week ago, being provoked by an incident of no-planned confiding my recent trouble to a friend, I realised that I have had a sort of communication problem: I have kept many things to myself and not let them all hang out at proper times. Besides the ultimate solution to this problem, I came to think that writing can be the next best thing, more precisely, writing my stories and thoughts in a more deliberate way here in my blog. Then I recalled some quotes that gave me insights into writing, which I had randomly encountered as follows:

“There will always be bookshops because we’ll never have enough people we can talk to.” — Alain de Botton

“Bookshops are a valuable destination for the lonely given all the books that were written because authors couldn’t find anyone to talk to.” — Alain de Botton

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” — Maya Angelou

For a man who no longer has a homeland, writing becomes a place to live.” — Theodor W. Adorno

I will see how much I can commit myself to this new perspective of writing as a tool for solving a communication problem and if this solution would bring any positive consequences. But one thing I can say for now is that I feel happy when I write and when my writing is read.

약 일주일 전 한 친구에게 최근 겪고 있는 어려움에 대해 전혀 계획하지 않았던 토로를 하게 된 것이 계기가 되어 내게 일종의 소통의 문제가 있음을 깨닫게 되었다. 많은 것을 속에 담아둔 채 제때 해소하지 않았다는 것. 이 문제를 풀 수 있는 궁극적 해결책 외에 글쓰기가 차선책이 될 수 있겠다는 생각이 들었다. 더 정확히 말하자면 나의 이야기와 생각을 이 블로그에 좀 더 진지하게 쓰는 것이다. 그러자 예전에 우연히 접했던, 글쓰기에 관해 영감을 주었던 구절이 몇 가지 떠올랐다.

“서점은 늘 존재할 것이다. 왜냐하면 우리가 이야기를 나눌 수 있는 사람은 결코 충분하지 않을 것이기 때문이다.” — 알랭 드 보통

“(서점의) 그 모든 책들은 그 만큼 저자들이 이야기를 나눌 사람을 찾지 못했다는 것이라 했을 때, 서점은 외로운 자들에게 유익한 행선지이다.” — 알랭 드 보통

“하지 못한 이야기를 당신 안에만 담아두는 것보다 더한 고통은 없다.” — 마야 안젤루

“돌아갈 곳이 없는 자에게 글쓰기는 고향이 된다.” — 테오도르 아도르노

소통의 문제를 해결할 도구로 글쓰기를 바라보는 새로운 관점을 실행하는 데에 내가 얼마나 전념할 수 있는지, 그리고 이런 해결책이 과연 긍정적인 결과를 가져올지는 지켜봐야 할 것이다. 하지만 지금 내가 말할 수 있는 것은 글을 쓸 때와 내 글이 읽혀질 때 행복하다는 것이다.

Initially, a very small of my colleagues and I were going for drinks to catch up with each other, especially with one of our previous colleagues, as well as to celebrate my birthday. However, when I sent a group email to much bigger number of my colleagues for this gathering, it turned out that I’d ruined Eliette’s plan for a surprise party for which she secretly tried to bring all the colleagues by keeping me on the original plan.
원래 가까운 동료 몇 명끼리 회포를 풀겸 내 생일 겸 업무 후 조촐한 자리를 갖기로 했는데
내가 전체 메일을 보내는 바람에 몰래 더 많은 동료들을 모아 큰 자리를 마련하기로 한 엘리엣의 깜짝 파티 계획을 망쳐버렸다.

As I was grateful for their caring about my birthday, I bought a cake myself (well, it was the first time for me to do this) the day before, but I was chewed out in the end who on earth buys a birthday cake for oneself. I learned that sometimes it is better not to take too many initiatives.
이렇게 생일 자리 마련해 준 게 고마워서 케잌을 손수 샀는데 (나도 내 손으로 내 생일 케잌 산 건 처음이었다),
자기 케잌을 자기가 사는 사람이 어디 있냐며 또 한 소리 들었다.
쓸데없는 오지랖으로 이래저래 민폐를 끼친 셈이었다.

Qiuyi suggested going for lunch to a Korean restaurant close to our company. I was very careful in selecting the menu, of which would please my colleagues. I asked the waitress extra services for my birthday and we got ‘jab-chae (typical party dish: fried noodle with vegetables and beef in soy sauce)’ for free!
츄이가 점심으로 회사 근처 한국 식당으로 가자고 아이디어를 냈다. 어떤 메뉴를 골라야 이 친구들이 맘에 들어할지 고심을 하고 있다. 생일이니 서비스 많이 부탁한댔더니 잡채를 공짜로 주었다!

A set of 3 shots of Dewi eating ‘lettuce-wrapped rice’ for the first time
보쌈 처음 먹는 데위의 쌈 싸먹기 3종 셋트

I was very satisfied with having lots of Korean food after a long time. A group photo in front of the restaurant after lunch.
간만에 한국 음식 실컷 먹고 흐뭇해하고 있다. 점심 먹은 후 식당 앞에서 기념 촬영.

I was having a blast! Koreans should hold something in their hands when giving speeches. I was really touched a lot by a card, both sides of which were completely filled with messages.
나 완전 신났네. 한국 사람은 연설할 때 손에 뭘 안 쥐면 말 못 하지. 두 면 빼곡히 채워진 카드를 읽으며 완전 감동한 나.

I didn’t expect my birthday would be so much full of happiness. Being grateful to my parents for sending me to this world and having such warm-hearted people around me and great friends who sent me sincere greetings from all over the world… it was the day I realised what an extremely lucky person I am.
나의 생일이 이렇게 가슴 벅차도록 행복한 날이 될 줄 몰랐다.
나를 이 세상에 보내주신 부모님께 감사하고
내 주위의 가슴 따뜻한 사람들과 진심어린 축하를 보내준 세계 방방 곡곡의 친구들이 있어
내가 얼마나 복이 많은 사람인지 알게 된 날.

More photos are here / 더 많은 사진은 이 곳에

“Hope to see you somewhere in the world…”

Vague as it sounds

Earnest as it sounds

“이 세상 어디에선가 만나게 되길 바래…”

그만큼 막연한

그만큼 간절한

“왜 말 안 했어?”
“안 물어 봤잖아!”

누군가의 우울증이 판명됐을 때 나눌 수 있는 가장 어리석은 대화가 아닐까 싶다.

오늘 나는 내 주위의 누군가와 반대 문맥의 대화를 나눴다.

“미처 물어보지 않아 미안하다.”
“아니다. 내가 말 안 한 거였지 않나.”

오늘은 정말 말 그대로 축축한 하루였다. 내 눈가와 마음이 모두 축축했다.

난 이제 지나가는 말로라도 “우울하다”라는 말을 못 할 것 같다.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t ask me!”

I think this set of conversation would be the silliest one that people can exchange when somebody turns out to have a depressive disorder.

Today I had a conversation in the opposite context from the abovementioned with someone around me.

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you before.”
“No. It was me who didn’t tell you.”

It was a, literally, damp day today. Both the area around my eyes and my heart got damp.

I feel that, from now on, I won’t be able to easily say “I’m depressed.”

Having had kinda long hair for 4 years, I had wanted to have my hair cut short after I came back to Korea and finally it was deleted from my to-do list. Quite a big change for my look between before and after, right?